My mom sure had to endure a lot of pain with all the painful words I said to her when I was undergoing my battle against depression.

• The signs that happened to me from physiological symptoms, my anger management issues, chronic lack of sleep, my chronic dirty room, and lack of self-care all led to signs of depression.

• I am not a bad person. I was just very vulnerable to commit mistakes—mistakes that built my character by teaching me great lessons.

🇵🇭 INSIGHTS • FEATURE

▼ COVER PHOTO

🇵🇭 VIGAN • I DON'T KNOW WHAT COVER PHOTO SHOULD I USE TO BEST DESCRIBE THIS POST. I RANDOMLY PICKED ONE AND MADE THIS ONE THE COVER PHOTO.

I feel delighted; because when the new year came, I suddenly got this writing/blogging magic power manipulating both the creative and introspective parts of my DNA. I didn't know how it was triggered, but I think contributory to this is my fondness for new beginnings. I tend to love starting projects, because the rush of overflowing ideas being put into a real work is very fulfilling; but they usually end up unfinished. I hate that I have a bad habit of not finishing what I started. I also think that my gradual escape from depression had made me cross the demarcation line. I hope there's no turning back to that depressive territory—an evil element that makes you numb and unmotivated from doing something you love. It sucks all your energy. I hope there will be no relapse. I cross my fingers.

I think that getting that motivation in the beginning of the year was a good sign of coping. I think I have stepped out from the depression zone.

You know, my social media posts were full of pretentions lately. I usually post the good moments there; because I don't want to ruin the newsfeed of someone by posting things that might be seen as toxic, unnecessary, or dramatic.

For my blog, it's an exception. I am most of the time transparent about my feelings on my blog; because as I always say, this is both my travel and personal diaries.

Some critics and skeptics may find writing our personal stories inapproriate or "papansin"—maybe histrionic, and I find this a bad trigger for someone's mental wellness by their sheer lack of empathy, limited point of view of the world, or just ignorance.

Writing and journaling for me is a mental health therapy. It's a defense mechanism for me to unleash my tension through writing, securing my mental integrity. Just a little discussion, the defense mechanism I mentioned (writing/journaling) is an example of what Sigmund Freud called as sublimation. It's one of the many identified defense mechanism concepts recognized in psychiatric practice. This may not be applicable for some, but always remember that each individual has different ways of coping.

In blogging, I usually put more weight about my feelings, selfies, and personal experiences. It's relieving for me to see a picture of myself looking confident and happily enjoying a moment. Aside from that, it's a great tension release to unload into writing the overflowing ideas inside your head, whether it's a pleasurable idea or tensions arising from unfortunate moments.

► Self-awareness, self-acceptance, and self-confidence

You know what, self confidence anchored in self-awareness and self-acceptance is a sign of mental wellness. This healthy self-confidence is different though from the self-confidence of a narcissist—which is anchored in insecurity, lack of empathy, and intention to gaslight or hurt other's feelings to satisfy their impulses (you may want to see this article later from Mayoclinic as a helpful reference: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662).

Meanwhile, let's also be kind to narcissist people though. They are also undergoing a different mental health condition. Both depression and narcissism are just two of the many mental health conditions affecting people and communities. It's just that narcissists won't easily recognize or validate they are undergoing a mental health condition, because this will hurt their ego integrity as a result of their psychological process.

By the way, not being self-confident is also OK. There's a saying it's OK not to be OK. The lack of self-confidence is also normal for some people, as long as their defense mechanisms are working well to protect their ego integrity.

We don't usually identify our defense mechanisms, because our brain usually process them under our unconscious process. I just would like to emphasize that when you feel confident based on the acceptance of your flaws and not solely based on your achievements and flexes, it's a beautiful healthy mind—because you no longer need to deplete your defense mechanisms just to be well internally. In this way, your self-acceptance is bigger than external validation.

External validation is also helpful though. External validations can also boost our inner well-being, especially if it was done genuinely.

Let's also appreciate/validate our friends and family when you think they've done something good. This will boost their morale, so you are helping them too in maintaining their inner well-being. It also goes with the concept that your ability to genuinely manifest appreciation and validation to other people (instead of looking for flaws) reflects your inner well-being too—that your self-acceptance is bigger than the biggest achievements in the world, so you don't feel belittled by other's glory. This allows your brain to genuinely appreciate and accept the achievements of other people. Again, feeling belittled or inferior is also normal in a typical condition; as long as your defense mechanisms are working well to reorient you back to reality.

One of the good defense mechanisms that would turn insecurity to your benefit is sublimation. Example: You are envious of your neighbor's house. Instead of badmouthing him, you worked hard to earn more; so you were able to build a house that, in your point of view, is better than your neighbor. Another example is compensation. You are insecure of the social media flexes of other people which you consider you won't have in your entire life; so you focused on overachieving one area of your life where you are good at; until you've reached that point where you think you're better in that area of your life, subjugating your insecurity.

Apart from some obligatory travel posts where I needed to focus in writing about a hotel, a restaurant, or a destination; the rest are all about me, about myself, and about my personal view of even the most trivial things. Don't get me wrong. Writing about tourist spots, hotels reviews, tour agencies, or sponsored travels are NOT wrong. I also do it. I was just saying that we have different coping mechanisms, and it's writing about myself and its view of the world that helps me cope with impending internal tensions. I mean, there is no absolute rule in blogging, and there is also no absolute rule in coping that is applicable to everybody. I just needed to explain myself for a better context.

Unfortunately, the depression that affected me made my writing lost the battle—losing all the motivation I left to continue my love affair with writing. I am glad though that I am feeling a lot of recovery signs. I really feel better now.

► 2022 laid the blanket for my 2023 recovery

I have wondered why I lost my motivation and energy in the past few years. I also lost the motivation to travel. Truth to be told, even my self-care was afflicted. It may sound ridiculous, but I was so down I didn't feel the necessity to take a bath or brush my teeth. If you may find this gross or laughable, I hope you don't have to ridicule people undergoing this condition at least. More explanation below...

I am a nurse, and psychiatric nursing is my favorite until now. I have a basic know-how about psychology and some concepts that typical lawyers or accountants may not know in their practice. I am pretty much aware of gradually understanding my own situation. If you work at the psychiatric ward, self-awareness is actually a foundation for your psychiatric nursing practice. Even in basic nursing care, basic psychology is also needed especially in therapeutic communication. In psyche practice though, you need to learn and apply more advanced concepts.

🇵🇭 VIGAN • I REALLY LOVE BEHAVIORAL SCIENCES. THIS WAS ONE OF MY POST-GRADUATE TRAININGS.

Speaking of self-awareness, it took me about two years to fully understand what's happening in me. In the past two years, I thought that my lack of motivation to take my happy pills to write, to travel, and to self-reflect was due to my busy and high-pressure job—wherein I need to review a certain quota of Oncology patient charts. For me, the quota was high in my case. Some people could actually hit the target; but in my case, 8 working hours were not enough to finish my daily job. I thought this was one of the reasons why I felt so unmotivated and depressed, but it was just the tip of the ice berg. I opted to apply as a clinical lecturer-trainer with the hope that my interaction with my trainees and other people would at least help me cope and divert my looming break internally, but my change of job was not also helpful. After 9 months of doing clinical training with better monetary reward, I still felt empty inside. I still felt unmotivated. I thought that more monetary benefits would cure me. I applied to other companies with a better pay. I was also transparent with my previous company that I wanted a salary increase. They were also generous to give me a long-haul break (vacation leave); but at the end of the day, better monetary reward was not helpful.

Coupled with some family matters I discovered in 2020 which lead me to crying for 1 week due to sorrow—including my mom diagnosed with a relatively rare disease among other more pressing personal, professional, and family matters; I started to feel down. Of course, I would like to mention that these challenges were NOT the sole reason for this depression. The external stressors were becoming very profound and powerful, strong enough that my defense mechanisms could not handle. I got irritated with simple things; and family members, especially my mom, have been affected too. I've made her my verbal punching bag, together with my other brother. I wanted them to behave under my rules, so I have to yell at them and throw random objects when I got irritated. That time, I didn't care if I hurt their feelings. My mom sure had to endure a lot of pain with all the painful words I said to her when I was undergoing my battle against depression.

There have been more serious problems in the past about my family (this was a legal battle which we eventually won) and my previous community (where I experienced humilation and bullying), but I was able to cope. I thought I was still coping with this recent episode. I thought I was just lazy. The recent turn of events was so overwhelming that my defense mechanisms were depleted—leading not just to mental health problems, but it also probably affected the neurochemicals or mood chemistry in my system. I know it, because I am the best person to know the skeletons in my closets. I have also done some things in the past that friends and family members would remotely expect. I am not a bad person. I was just very vulnerable to commit mistakes—mistakes that built my character by teaching me great lessons.

🇵🇭 VIGAN • I was so demotivated and without energy to take care of my own surrounding. These are some of the files I kept due to personal reasons. Dusts have accumulated until they've stayed long enough to become soil strips. At the end of 2022, I recovered the energy to move and finish a goal.

Anyway, I could even hardly clean my room. I think I haven't cleaned it for more than a year. My mom did the job at times but not regularly, because it's my responsibilty. You know, a person with a dirty room may be labelled as lazy or gross; but it's more than that. In some cases, it is a result of depression. As I said, it took me 2 years to figure out that journey to self-awareness. All I thought was, I was so busy I had no time for self-care and cleaning my room. I even found taking a bath a taxing job. Please, this is something we should not laugh about. Depression makes a person look bizarre in the point of view of the outsider, but it's a hell journey for the one experiencing it. I also experienced chronic lack of sleep and unusual allergies appearing on my shin, inside my both ears, and probably in my lungs due to my unusual cough episode that has gone now (maybe stress-related allergic cough). Clinically speaking, allergies can be a result of stress (this is happening to many, but only a few are aware it's stress-related) or depression (I have encountered a patient with a depression-linked urticaria case in the past).

Speaking of my dirty room I haven't cleaned for a year, I finally understood why it happened—when I started to escape the depression enclave. You know, I also read something about depression—that your image inside is reflected outside. There were several case studies of people with really dirty room, and this was linked to depression. You may not understand this if you haven't experienced this, but you don't have to experience it. Let's be more understanding and non-judgmental, because a person undergoing depression creates an environment outside that reflects the self-worth or numbness he is feeling inside. Take note that depression is not all about sadness or sorrow, because these emotions are normal human responses for healthy individuals. Depression is more complicated than just emotions. That's why there are medications to treat depression, because it may also involve our body's neurochemistry. The signs that happened to me from physiological symptoms, my anger management issues, chronic lack of sleep, my chronic dirty room, and lack of self-care all led to signs of depression.

2020 was the critical part coupled with the onset of the pandemic. 2021 was a continuous battle, but 2022 laid down the carpet for my healing. For the last quarter of 2022, I found a lot of healing when I started to identify my suspected cause. I experimented to cut this source, and it worked! This led me to a conclusion that that was the major cause. In the middle of 2022, I started to feel the taste of victory which continued to embolden until the end of the year.

🇵🇭 BALBALAN • IN THE MIDDLE OF 2022, I TOOK A BREAK AND WENT TO THE REMOTE MOUNTAIN VILLAGE OF BALBALASANG—A PROTECTED BIOSPHERE IN BALBALAN, KALINGA. THERE WAS NO INTERNET AND PHONE SIGNAL HERE, BUT THEY HAVE A RICH UNLIMITED SUPPLY OF ICE-COLD FRESH WATER. THIS WAS MY FIRST TRIAL-AND-ERROR MANAGEMENT TO HEALING.

Now I'm here, excitedly writing my first blog post for 2023 full of motivation. In fact, I've been cleaning our house for 7 straight days now. I was very excited and motivated to organize my high scool and college files, books, clothes, and other mess around our house. I even felt the need to purchase a 1.80 meter long wardrobe rack, another clothes rack for my used clothes, one cabinet organizer, 10 shoe boxes, 12 storage boxes ranging from the very large ones to the smallest (80 cm x 50 cm), almost 200 pieces of hanger to organize my clothes, window cleaner, some industrial chemicals used to seal in between flooring tiles and house fixtures, and others; because I felt so motivated to clean my room and our house. I even became a silver member of Shopee because of this. I didn't realize I was already ordering a lot to organize and clean my room and our house. That's how motivated I am now. I'm feeling the recovery and the healing.

🇵🇭 VIGAN • CLEANING UP THE LAST FEW MESS IN MY ROOM.

🇵🇭 VIGAN • AFTER BEING SUBMERGED IN DUSTS, I'VE FOUND THE ENERGY TO CLEAN MY BOOKS AND TEMPORARILY PUT THEM INTO THESE BOXES. THE DANGLING WIRES/CABLES AND THE UNPOLISHED SURFACES ARE MY NEXT PROJECT.

🇵🇭 VIGAN • AFTER ENDURING THE MOUNTAIN OF DUSTS; I'VE GIVEN MY COLLEGE ARCHIVES, MEMORABILIA, AND FILES A NEW HOME. PARDON THE PRICE TAG OF MY RUBBER BOOTS. I HAVEN'T USED IT. I PURCHASED IT IN PREPARATION FOR THE RAINY SEASON.

🇵🇭 VIGAN • MY HEALING BROUGHT ME BACK TO MY ATTENTION FOR DETAILS. I GOT THE ENERGY AND MOTIVATION NOW TO FIX THE SMALL DETAILS, LIKE THIS SPACE IN BETWEEN THE TILE AND THE WALL. I APPLIED A SEALANT. 'GROUT' IS THE APPROPRIATE MIXTURE, BUT I USED THIS TO EXPERIMENT.

🇵🇭 VIGAN • ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED! I'VE FINALLY ORGANIZED MY FILES FROM HIGH SCHOOL, FROM COLLEGE, IN MY PROFESSIONAL CAREER, AND OTHER ARCHIVES.

🇵🇭 VIGAN • THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I HAD THE ENERGY AND MOTIVATION TO ORGANIZE SOME OF MY CLOTHES IN 2 YEARS. MY COPING TOLD ME THAT I DESERVE A ROOM MORE ORGANIZED THAN MY DEPRESSIVE EPIDOSE. I DID IT ON A CHRISTMAS DAY.

🇵🇭 VIGAN • WHEN I FELT DOWN, ORGANIZING AND CLEANING WAS NOT AN OPTION. HAVING A SUSTAINABLY BRIGHT, CHEERFUL, AND ORGANIZED VIBE MAY REFLECT YOUR INNER WELL-BEING. THROUGH HEALING, YOU RESTART TO FIND THE VALUE OF PEOPLE AND OBJECTS THAT MEAN A LOT TO YOU. THE VALUE YOU PUT TO THEM MAY REFLECT THE HEALTHY SELF-VALUE YOU ARE FEELING INSIDE.

🇵🇭 VIGAN • MY BOOKS WERE LITERALLY COVERED WITH DUSTS. ON MY HEALING, I STARTED TO SEE THE BEAUTY OF THE REAL BOOK COVER AGAIN. I DON'T WANT MY BOOKS TO BE NEGLECTED AGAIN. THEY DESERVE A BETTER SPACE AWAY FROM WATER AND DUSTS. IT COMES WITH MY INNER WELL-BEING OF NO LONGER FEELING I'M NEGLECTED. I FEEL VALUED MORE THAN EVER.

🇵🇭 VIGAN • HAVING A GOAL AND FINISHING IT, HAVING THE ENERGY TO MOVE, APPRECIATING THE LITTLE PROGRESS, AND HAVING A POSITIVE OUTLOOK OF YOUR SMALL EFFORTS MAY ACTUALLY SIGNIFY A HEALTHY INNER SELF. I THINK I'VE WON MY BATTLE AGAINST DEPRESSION.

🇵🇭 VIGAN • I ONLY USED 1 PAIR OF SHOES IN THE LAST 2 YEARS BECAUSE THE REST WERE ALL DIRTY. I HAD NO ENERGY OR MOTIVATION TO WASH THEM. OVERCOMING MY DEPRESSION FELT LIKE MAGIC, AS I SUDDENLY HAD THE TIME AND ENERGY TO ORGANIZE THEM.

I really hope there's no relapse. Some of the decisions I made helped me with my healing. I am so thrilled that I welcomed 2023 in high spirit.

For individuals who are undergoing what I've endured, I'd say it is important to cut the source. If an iron is rusty, do not just manage the surface with a paint; because underneath the paint is still rusty. Identify the reason or the root cause of the rust. You need to clean all the rusts, then isolate it from the cause by applying an insulating surface layer to protect its integrity. This is how I managed myself. I identified the source; but if coping was not enough, I had to cut the source.

If it is a relational problem lke your friends, family, or relatives; do not burn bridges; but you may set boundaries.

If it is an emotional abuse or gaslighting, run away from the source. They will suck all your energies. If you can't run away, you may set boundaries and limit your interaction to an extent you can tolerate.

If it is social media, cut your source. You may unfollow or snooze.

If you felt depressed after stopping a previous addiction from alcohol, drugs, gambling, or material things; you may want to consult a professional help. Depression arising from previous use of alcohol, nicotine, or drugs may need prescription medication; hence, professional help is required.

It is important that we identify the source. If you are not sure what is the source or unsure what to do, please consult the experts. You may want to check this mental health wellness hotline through this link. National Center for Mental Health Crisis Hotline

► Let's avoid misusing the concept of toxic positivity

Lastly, don't be fooled by the misuse of the concept called toxic positivity. This concept is not recognized in peer-reviewed studies or applied health science. This has been used in political discourse to gaslight and target a certain individual or group, with the intention to guilt trip or hurt their feelings. Some people would misuse this concept to manipulate people. For example, we label people with toxic positivity when they choose to enjoy the flood water that caused them suffering. Another one is when an unsuspecting aggresor questions the decision of people to invoke their faith in God or silence as aid in managing their sorrows or social status. We cannot label them as positively toxic when you lack the understanding of what they are processing inside their heads. Mental health management is health science. Politics is not a health science. Remember that mental health integrity is about coping. It does not stop or eliminate the source of suffering, because stressors and sufferings are always there; but mental health management is about helping people how to cope, avoid, or cut the stressors that may affect them. Labelling them with toxic positivity with the intention to stop them from being positive amidst crisis may actually cause more mental suffering than helping them. You become the unsuspecting perpetuator in that case.

Remember that each individual has different defense mechanisms. Defense mechanisms are unconscious psychological responses that protect people from feelings of anxiety, threats to self-esteem, and things that they don't want to think about or deal with. When a person you perceive to be suffering is smiling and cheering amidst the flood, that could be his way of coping. When a rape victim denied being raped despite medico-legal proof of rape, that's also a defense mechanism. Denial is actually a common defense mechanism (this is different from intentionally denying something to escape a punishment, law, order, or humiliation; or consciously telling a lie to manipulate people).

When the oppressed chose not to fight back against his oppressor, that could also be a defense mechanism. If you were able to fight back in your capacity during your darkest days, then be grateful that you have the willpower and coping mechanisms to manage your inner stress; but that method is not applicable for everyone. That's why understanding the situation of every individual is important, more so if you want to connect their positivity into toxic politics. Before labelling people as positively toxic, you may want to understand first—in Layman's term—where they are coming from (jargon: you may want to read some scholarly studies like the psychoanalytical theory of Freud which is one of the foundations of modern psychology). You may actually become the aggressor or oppressor, when you misuse the concept of toxic positivity.

Under the psychoanalytical theory: my blogging, traveling, and writing (when unconsciously utilized to de-stress and to manage my anxiety) fall under the defense mechanism called sublimation. On the other hand, calling someone as positively toxic without understanding their coping process may actually fall under a defense mechanism called projection—meaning, you are the one who is toxic inside; you are just projecting it to other person as a way of coping with your emotional tension inside. For other examples of commonly used defense mechanisms that may be seen as toxic positivity (but a healthy response in mental health science as a way of coping under psychoanalytical theory), refer below.

Again, self-awareness of your own shortcomings, flaws, or mistakes; and self-acceptance of those shortcomings, flaws, or mistakes are fundamentals in keeping your ego integrity. Let us also accept the phenomenon that we are not right all the time. Let us accept the fact that we may also lost an argument or be proven wrong. Let's assess ourselves first of our own mistakes before pointing out the mistakes of others. We may correct other people, but let's be self-aware first to make our corrections helpful or therapeutic. You would not want to correct people of a mistake you are also committing but haven't corrected yourself, do you?

At the end of the day, we all need self-love—and that's what I am considering for 2023. 💚 | end of story | 💚

► ENDING THOUGHTS

Yehey! I'm done with my first blog post for 2023. Sorry if the theme was a sensitive topic like this. It was not my original plan to write about it.

🇵🇭 VIGAN • I TOOK THIS REALTIME SELFIE, WHILE I WAS FINISHING THIS BLOG POST TODAY. WHAT AN ACHIEVEMENT IN MY POINT OF VIEW!

I was actually writing about my 2023 New Year family events and my thoughts about the new year, until I touched this topic. Because I supposed to write a flashback, I went with the flow of my thoughts until it became very long; so I decided to create this one as a single blog post.

► FOOTNOTES, DISCLAIMERS, ACKNOWLEDGMENT, ETC

• This post was filed under the categories "Feature Stories" and "FEATURE POSTS". See more posts related to this below.

UPDATE HISTORY FOR THIS BLOG POST
• 2023-January-04: This post was published.

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